Confessions..

I have bipolar disorder.
A simple statement. Yet so hard.
It took me a good 10 years to acknowledge it in public.
Its not my fault. Its nobody's fault.
But still it took me a good 10 years to acknowlede it in public.

What was I afraid of?
Even now that I am writing this,I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands trembling.
What am I afraid of?
Society. Friends. Loved ones. Relatives. Education. Career...
Afraid that they will find out..that my deepest secret will be revealed!!
Afraid that they will look at me as if I am a fragile mirror.
Else they will laugh at me..tell me its nothing..its just in my head.
Else, and here comes the worst, they will laugh behind my back.
Say I am weak and so I have made this all up. Say this is my escape route.

Why do you pay heed to what others say, you might ask.
But that is how i am . How i am wired. How my disbalanced brain chemicals are wired to work.

But have you ever felt so depressed for weeks or months that your life has come to a standstill?
Have you seen your loved ones leave you because of what you become when an episode strikes you down?
Have you gobbled up medicines just to get rid of this intense agony?
Have you ever felt so elated, such a power within you that you want to scream and enjoy-
Yet you are physically unable to get up from the darkest corner of your room?
Have you constantly disappointed and cancelled on your friends and loved ones?
Have you constantly felt the need to end your life, because that seems the easier way out?
Have you wanted to run a midnight marathon in your city..and felt like rape or death would be easier to deal with?
Have you spend sleepless weeks, yet gone on the entire day like you are on fire!!
Have your memories been a haze..yet you remember the numerous tears that your loved ones have shed..all because of you?
Have you felt like you are a burden, a shame,a disappointment  to every one you love?
Have you constantly considered giving up on life?
Have you felt so fatigued and drained emotionally that you have just raved on and on for relief?
Have you felt the need to be tied up so that you dont end up physically hurting those you love and live for?
Have you been so happy and laughed so hard that you got tears in your eyes one moment,
And at the very next moment you are crying and wailing in misery,
And the next you have been furious..for almost no reason..?
Have you ever cried and cried and cried for God doesnt even know what for?

Have you felt the pain when someone says its all in your head, just get up and do something..and you will be fine..
But you know you wont be fine..
Because you have tried so many ways, so many times.. yet got back to square one..

Its excrutiating..I tell you..
So before you judge me, just think of the person I am underneath..
I am not bipolar..and I didn't bring it upon myself.
I have a disease, called bipolar, the symptoms of which unfortunately, you commonly mistake for mood swings or whatever..

Yet you are supposed to suffer silently..
Sshhhhh..there is a society out there who might realize you are a complete lunatic

Yet you are supposed to hide your feelings..those thoughts..those ups and downs with a smile plastered on your face..
Sshhhhh..you got to keep quite.
Everyone has a reputation to keep, isnt it?

Because no one understands..No one will.
Until they have faced the demons themselves.
I have faced the ludicrous monster..
I wish you never have to understand..
I wish this for the entire society..

If there is one thing I am proud of, it is that I have fought bipolar successfully.
Yes, I am still fighting. I dont know how long will I have to.
And despite every thoughts that cloud my rational mind,
I pledge not to give up.