Confessions..

I have bipolar disorder.
A simple statement. Yet so hard.
It took me a good 10 years to acknowledge it in public.
Its not my fault. Its nobody's fault.
But still it took me a good 10 years to acknowlede it in public.

What was I afraid of?
Even now that I am writing this,I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands trembling.
What am I afraid of?
Society. Friends. Loved ones. Relatives. Education. Career...
Afraid that they will find out..that my deepest secret will be revealed!!
Afraid that they will look at me as if I am a fragile mirror.
Else they will laugh at me..tell me its nothing..its just in my head.
Else, and here comes the worst, they will laugh behind my back.
Say I am weak and so I have made this all up. Say this is my escape route.

Why do you pay heed to what others say, you might ask.
But that is how i am . How i am wired. How my disbalanced brain chemicals are wired to work.

But have you ever felt so depressed for weeks or months that your life has come to a standstill?
Have you seen your loved ones leave you because of what you become when an episode strikes you down?
Have you gobbled up medicines just to get rid of this intense agony?
Have you ever felt so elated, such a power within you that you want to scream and enjoy-
Yet you are physically unable to get up from the darkest corner of your room?
Have you constantly disappointed and cancelled on your friends and loved ones?
Have you constantly felt the need to end your life, because that seems the easier way out?
Have you wanted to run a midnight marathon in your city..and felt like rape or death would be easier to deal with?
Have you spend sleepless weeks, yet gone on the entire day like you are on fire!!
Have your memories been a haze..yet you remember the numerous tears that your loved ones have shed..all because of you?
Have you felt like you are a burden, a shame,a disappointment  to every one you love?
Have you constantly considered giving up on life?
Have you felt so fatigued and drained emotionally that you have just raved on and on for relief?
Have you felt the need to be tied up so that you dont end up physically hurting those you love and live for?
Have you been so happy and laughed so hard that you got tears in your eyes one moment,
And at the very next moment you are crying and wailing in misery,
And the next you have been furious..for almost no reason..?
Have you ever cried and cried and cried for God doesnt even know what for?

Have you felt the pain when someone says its all in your head, just get up and do something..and you will be fine..
But you know you wont be fine..
Because you have tried so many ways, so many times.. yet got back to square one..

Its excrutiating..I tell you..
So before you judge me, just think of the person I am underneath..
I am not bipolar..and I didn't bring it upon myself.
I have a disease, called bipolar, the symptoms of which unfortunately, you commonly mistake for mood swings or whatever..

Yet you are supposed to suffer silently..
Sshhhhh..there is a society out there who might realize you are a complete lunatic

Yet you are supposed to hide your feelings..those thoughts..those ups and downs with a smile plastered on your face..
Sshhhhh..you got to keep quite.
Everyone has a reputation to keep, isnt it?

Because no one understands..No one will.
Until they have faced the demons themselves.
I have faced the ludicrous monster..
I wish you never have to understand..
I wish this for the entire society..

If there is one thing I am proud of, it is that I have fought bipolar successfully.
Yes, I am still fighting. I dont know how long will I have to.
And despite every thoughts that cloud my rational mind,
I pledge not to give up.

My Gibberish on Love..

They say love will find you in the most unexpected times..in the most unexpected places..in the most unexpected people..when you are least looking for it. And its all true. You can never predict true love. It will happen to you when its destined to be. You might find it in people who are total strangers to you..you might find it in people whom you have known your entire life..you might find it in people you had once known..some long lost souls you never thought you will get to meet again..It happens in the most 
unconventional ways..But when true love knocks at your door..you just know it..its as if you have suddenly come across the missing piece of your heart..and that's why and how you recognize it..And something within tells you its meant to be..its exactly what you have been desperately searching for in all the wrong places. You suddenly know you are going to trust this person with your heart and soul..no matter what. Its actually terrifying to face the truth..but you know from the very first moment that you are going to have to face your fears this time. And this person will be your driving force.Your greatest Friend at all times. True love isnt always about the constant fluttering you feel in your stomach..the intense excitement..the euphoric happiness..In fact, it is the most calming, embalming, serenely happy feeling that you are going to experience in your lifetime. It feels like home. True love isnt suffocating..its the most liberating experience and it will always end up bringing the best out of you. For you know this person is going to support you, trust you, respect your every choice, and above all, love you without a doubt. Of course you will fight, get into doubts and misunderstandings...feel the pain that love brings with it... YES..but your love is going to give you the strength to work through every hurdle. Not because you have to..but because you want to.


For, you will just know when you find that ONE imperfectly perfect person.

For, you are never going to be afraid anymore,even though its going to be damn hard.

For, you are going to be each other's life support,each other's oxygen.

For, this time, you are going to find beauty and perfection within your own absolutely imperfect soul.

For, you are meant to be. 

For, this is indeed going to be your HOME.

Friendship!!!

           I don't know exactly what prompted me to write this note on friendship, but i guess it needs no particular day or occasion to celebrate friendship..Sharukh Khan,in a memorable dialogue from a memorable movie, once said to Kajol "love is friendship". Yes, I believe that with my heart and soul.I mean if I say that someone is my friend, I must invariably love that person. and it is the same the other way round..I cant love someone completely and surrender myself to that person unless I am sure that person understands me completely and is my very best friend.
           Friendship is one of the most beautiful of all relationships and that needs no mention. Not only do I cherish and nurture this relationship,I do all I can to preserve it as well.For it is hard to find a real friend, but it is harder to hold on to them. Life has given me plenty, but at the same time it has taught me lessons with such cruelty that I will never forget or perhaps recover from.
          There have been people who have come into my life like a puff of fresh air,painted a rainbow in my slow motion black and white movie and put their feet down real hard so as to leave a deep permanent mark And then, they left just as suddenly as they had appeared, leaving behind memories and a plethora of unanswered questions, leaving me wondering what went wrong. And it happens to all of us at some point of time or another..You spend days and nights crying with the feeling of humiliation filled with guilt and grief that you had let them see the vulnerable side of you, trusting them which you ought not have done. But really, how could you have known that they are only pretenders of sympathy and compassion? 
            Yet again, there are friends who you know are there, will always be there, despite the fact that you haven't spoken in years..business of life has led you to two different paths and caused you to drift apart.They don't mind if you don't call, they don't mind if you even forget their birthdays, they are still there, like a rock wall for you to lean on..They are just happy..simply because you exist.. and because they know wherever you are, you will always be there with them whenever they are in need or even not..because they know that they have a permanent place in your heart..because you love them..And yes they have never even considered leaving you even though they have seen your most wretched face..often red with anger or disappointment.at other times with tears of hopelessness streaming down. 
         Every person hardly finds one such person in life..but God has blessed me with quite a few..And to these friends, I bow.  

You, Me, Us

LOVE-This strange single word 
Has destroyed Me, You- Us.
It seems just an yesterday
When 'LOVE' was what defined Us.
Love was bliss, an intoxicating hope
Love was a drug,life a delirium
And we were too drunk to separate Heaven from Earth.
Love was us holding hands, bodies so close that we became One.
Love was infinite, an illusion 'forever'..
For Love was the magician's juggling show,
Which he ended with his vanishing trick.

For sometime, contentment flowed in excess
We fought, of course,We cried
But that was always us.
Life was pure euphoria
And I danced, warm, in the girdle of your arms.
Burning in the heat of desire, I forgot what misery felt like
And thought, this is how life is going to be, from now on.
Naive me! I thought such intense love is meant to last!

You forgot,too,.. so you said..your old dilapidated existence..
And then, you forgot me, you forgot US.
You forgot to love, and all the love that we always had.
Instead, with your ridiculous hatred and cold vengeance 
You scared me off.

Since you forgot me, I will try to forget us.
But every solitary moment, when you sit unaccompanied,
I will be back.
You wont forget, however much you try.
You wont forget- You, Me and Us.

Reincarnation

The cold hands of destiny 
Close upon my throat.
Squeezing. Clenching. Stringent.
My voice chokes 
As I make a last desperate attempt to scream.
I hiccup, gasping for a whiff of oxygen.
Dark. Everything around me is growing menacingly somber.
My Brain. Puzzled. Overwrought.
It fails to catch a glimpse of even the faintest ray of light.
The figures surrounding my bed slowly blurs.
I fall. Am falling. Still falling.
The vapor of Anesthesia fills my nostrils
And lulls me to sleep.
Deep. Tranquil. Deep.
Abyss. Bliss. This serene quietude suits me well.

Slowly the intoxicating charm lifts.
I sit up and look in the mirror
By my bedside; I see a new Me.
A Me I neither remember, nor recognize.
My head hits the ceiling 
As I try to get up. I feel no pain.
My heart has stopped beating
My soul lies dead on the hospital bed.
I only have my leaden body left
Bereft of everything that is humane.
Yet I need to go on
Walk. Walk an endless walk.
My internal organs have ceased to work.
And yet, I need to go on.
The now limp body rises from its sepulchre
-- That is, the one which once belonged to the one I used to call I--
Now Unnameable.
A solemn, mirthless laughter escapes its cold crooked lips.
And it walks away. A Zombie
With light, airy steps. Unlamenting.
To confront the world. The ludicrous living world.

Your Broken Angel

Down on my knees..

I look up to you

Your face seems distant..

Hazy..lost amidst the hundred faces surrounding you.

Let me in, I plead

Leave,you scorn at me and kick my face.

I know you want me to come in, I say, tears in my eyes.

You know too much,you mutter under your breath

You know nothing, you only presume,

You hiss at me, your face contorted, your cruel eyes cold like a snake.

I shiver, your coldness chilling me to my very bones.

I get up, stagger, take a few steps back.

I turn, slowly walk away, but you don't call me back.

Down the alley, my limbs are too heavy to move

My heart shattered.

I try my best to go on without looking back.

But I can take it no more..

I give in,tears wet my bed throughout the night and many more..

I try to recollect..the memories flash through my mind

The pictures clear and bright like daylight.

I question myself.

Desperate, I try to find what went wrong..

But you leave me clueless.

This is not the place I wanted to retire to

Tired, at the end of the day..

This is not the place I remember

Being so familiar with.

Fear, an inescapable fear..

I have seen it in your eyes today.

Afraid you are to let anyone know..

Afraid you are to let anyone in..

Lest they would leave it one day.

You have let me wait at your doorstep far too long

To not know what goes on.

Is that why you punish me now?

Is this what went wrong?

I know I have lost the path

I will never be able to find my way back.

Your memory haunts me every single moment I live.

I am frightened

Not for myself

But for you, for what you have become.

I know I will heal, I will find some other place to call it Home.

But, I am afraid, I doubt, you ever will.

I will remain always

Your broken Angel.

A little bit of me..unleashed

I am me. A girl. A girl you might know or might not. A girl you might relate to or might not. Average looks, medium height, medium built, short hairs, with lots of scars on my face that the teenage hormones left back, small hands, scars on my legs due to the bad habit of running about (People say girls are not supposed to do that once they grow up), small feet, nothing sexy: nothing remarkably noticeable or extraordinary or stunningly beautiful about my appearance.Rather dumb, I would say.. Except perhaps my eyes. People say I have beautiful eyes. I, though, honestly find it hard to believe. Oh, and I have a beautiful heart. I know this for sure.This might sound boastful, arrogant or over confident or whatever else you might think of. But I just know. And I am proud of it. Yes. Proud. Perhaps the only part of me I am in love with. I am quite average when it comes to studies as well. I am an introvert. Unsocial. I have the least number of Facebook friends. My posts and pictures get the least number of likes. You will rarely find me online in chat. Which is not something I boast of. But I am happy that way. I never feel the need to socialize. But I share a cordial relationship with all my mates. I don't know whether they mock me at my back. But it doesn't matter. Really. I have friends. Might be a handful. But they are great. And they adore me. Perhaps because I am always there when they need me. Some of them call me foolish or weak or meek or mockingly benevolent as I give in to their demands easily. As I rarely loose my temper. As I bear with them even when they hurt me. As I keep my mouth shut and just walk away when someone insults me. But that requires even more strength..Yes, I am strong. Very very strong. I believe in principles. Those that are scribbled on the pages of the moral science books. I had taken my lessons too seriously as a child, I guess.. I take time to open up. But if you earn my trust once, I will open all my windows and curtains for you. And I don't, or rather, can't trust easily.There are indeed a very few people I can actually talk to. I am sensitive. I get hurt easily. I cry a lot behind closed doors. But I am great when it comes to hiding emotions. I have fallen in love. I have lost in love. And have been utterly broken. But then I again, I have gathered myself and dared to fall in love once again..don't really know how,but it just happened.. that magic.Yes, it is pure magic. I am a miserable human being. I crave for love. But I am a coward. I have never been able to voice my love. Perhaps I never will. I dream. I believe in fairy tales. I believe in God. I believe in miracles. I love watching romantic movies. I cry while watching movies. Enough of this bullshit. For now. I am pretty boring. Random thoughts... I-I-I-I-I..never ending ' I 's.. probably self- centered. Yes. That is what you might call me. I am quite a confused bundle, you see..Quite defective in the real sense of the term. But I love myself. As I am. I am me.